I am super good at holding myself accountable for what I have said and done. 52 years to practice being strong enough to admit when I am wrong.
When you are a parent and you cannot rightfully blame yourself for something, I think we have a tendency to immediately try to place the blame somewhere. I say we, because this morning I was totally surprised at the stance B had taken, knowing H is sad and upset that she is heading home to Houston this morning. Let’s blame M. Bill has and sure as shit, I have. I don’t want my kids to hurt. I want whomever is responsible for that hurt, to hurt more. In my heart I am yearning to know if M is more sad, more upset, beside himself sick that H is gone.
I’m finding also that when I think about C I can almost feel myself feeling some resentment toward S. How can she be ok with screwing with my sons heart knowing she will be leaving him and everyone else at the end of senior year? Is she why he isn’t going to go back to swim? Is she going to be occupying that time instead? Ugh ugh ugh.
What does this all mean? Speculating is disastrous. It is unwarranted most times. It’s just downright stupid because it clouds ones true feelings. I like M. And I like S. A lot.